Appearing rather than being

Why is it that we spend so much energy trying to appear acceptable before others?

It is my suspicion that, like me, many people are constantly wearing themselves out - mentally, physically and financially - in an effort to maintain a façade of "togetherness" in others' eyes. In countless ways - a stylish appearance, non-eccentric behaviour, refined and witty speech, expressions of "normal" emotions - we strive to appear acceptable, often at the expense of being consistent with who we really are.

There are behaviours which we label normal, and others abnormal. At the everyday level, there are "correct" times to smile and ways to display affection, and "right" things to wear such that we gain approval, esteem and regard. Disturbingly, we may indeed pay more attention and labour more intensely to get people to think well of us than we do to actually being true to who we are.

What's more, it is often the people who we don't know or who don't care about us that we try most to impress. This is perhaps because those who know us well will be more understanding if we are poorly presently, have bad breath or say inappropriate things around them. Because they know the whole package of who we are - our ways and habits - those close to us are usually more lenient and reasonable in assessing us and signalling their judgment of us. Also, since we are more likely to know the imperfections and vulnerability of those close to us, we are mutually sympathetic in the knowledge that neither can be consistent and flawless.

Of course, we are emotional creatures; complex, confused, multi-faceted, multi-layered, full of surprises - even to ourselves. Though we often express a desire for those around us to be predictable and perfectly consistent, ultimately we would not really want anyone to be a cardboard cut-out.

Sadly, nonetheless, there seems to be a great compulsion - in me at least - to hide from others those aspects of ourselves which we perceive to be unusual, strange, unrefined, unkempt, irrational, unacceptable. As a result, we are constantly on the alert for behaviours from ourselves which might elicit a negative response from others: I am on guard, on edge, wary, distrusting, uptight and hardened towards those who might see, ogle, critique and disapprove.

Are we that bad? Am I that ugly, strange, depraved, shocking? I would say, no, not when it comes to most of the things I try to hide from others. I am simply trying to protect myself from perceived threats of criticism and disapproval, which weigh so heavily on my heart. My self-protection is disproportionate to the reality of the woundedness that others' can do to me. I hide too much because others' opinions matter too much.

My head fears God, but my heart fears man, because there is discord between my emotional belief and my rational belief. I experience this disharmony because every day I fall short of experiencing the love that God has for us. How I long to know and experience in my heart as well as my head that God's approval and acceptance is all that matters! How I rejoice whenever I can move closer to a congruent inner state as I live out this life, working through my own mess, reading God's word and experiencing his goodness in the company of others on this journey.

[I]n my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
- Romans 7:22-25, NIV

"Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" - Healing through mourning

"This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18, ESV)

Reading Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child for the second time, there are some interesting applications for the possibilities of healing for the emotionally wounded adult. Basically, Miller is saying that:
We will be constantly prone to using others as a means to meeting our own emotional needs to be respected/ admired/ understood UNLESS we are in the constant process of mourning.


On page 21 she writes: "Only the never-ending work of mourning can help us from lapsing into the illusion that we have found the parent we once urgently needed."
This statement gives a very realistic picture of the process of healing; there is no quick fix or miraculous easy way out. Since the emotional pain is so deeply stored within us, the only path towards healing will be one with much re-living, re-experiencing and re-visiting of that pain.

This idea seems to me to reflect the experience of the apostle Paul's life, which is simultaneously one of pain AND joy: "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." (2 Corinthians 6:10). In life joy is ever-mingled with sorrow, and no pleasure is experienced long before some frustration creeps in. Highs are followed by lows. Happy moments are followed by anxiety, threats and insecurities. We live in a world where brokenness and suffering abounds, whether in work, play, marriage, sex, parenting or sports. Nevertheless it is the Christian life which CAN boast of real, exceeding joy; the sweet security of hope, victory, rest and ultimate triumph in the very midst of great pain, suffering and evil. "Trials refine our faith... Suffering produces hope... Suffering makes us depend on God, who raises the dead..."

It is my suspicion - my theory - that the emotional and repressed sorrows of my own life - buried within me waiting to be dug up - are serving as fuel for my eternal joy. By my re-visiting and re-experiencing all the pain within me since childhood, and by finding ultimately in God the strength to face, endure and overcome this pain, God will be doing in me a precious and mighty work, "preparing in [me] an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." (2 Corinthians 4:17).

Ironically, perhaps, though fittingly in God's purposes, my intention to help others through counselling has begun in me a lifelong "working through" process. It has opened up the inner treasure-troves of my own suffering, setting me on the path of slow-but-steady, painful-yet-glad, progressive, never-to-be-fully-realised-until-the-glory-of-heaven healing of mourning.

Is violence the will of God? - Movie reflections

With its ambitious title and impressive array of actors, Kingdom of Heaven parades itself as an adventure of grand proportion and a landmark event for the portrayal of religious history. In the midst of the horrendously realistic scenes of slaughter and death, as well as the pride and pomp of short-lived glory and moments of romance, a surprisingly unexpected theme that permeates this movie is ‘the will of God’.

These are some of the questions which I felt the movie raised. I propose some responses straight out of the New Testament.

1. Is it possible to find true forgiveness, whether in Jerusalem or elsewhere?

Jesus said to her, ”Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father… the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him.” John 4:21, 23

2. Is the grace of God, His providential favour, able to be found or secured?

God… has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Ephesians 1:3

3. Is it ever possible to be assured of one’s place in heaven?

As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. John 3:14-15

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

For we share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. Hebrews 3:14

4. Should Christians ever use force to achieve the purposes of God?

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." Romans 12:19

The one who is in authority… is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Romans 13:3-4

5. Can we ever expect the kingdom of heaven (harmonious living between people and the rightness of men’s hearts towards God) to be achieved in Jerusalem or anywhere else on the current earth?

Now Hagar is Mount Sinai in Arabia; she corresponds to the present Jerusalem, for she is in slavery with her children. But the Jerusalem above is free, and she is our mother. Galatians 4:25-26

But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel. Hebrews 12:22-24

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Rev. 21:1-4

God glorified through our afflictions

This morning's sermon was very helpful in connecting the experience of affliction and the edification of others. Psalm 119:74-75 says:

May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,
for I have put my hope in your word.
I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous,
and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

It was pointed out that it is IN the very moment of our suffering, vulnerability and the depths of our despair that we can often be most encouraging, God-honouring and helpful to others. I think it has to do with faith (dependence, need) in God - since God is most glorified in us when we come to Him needing Him most. It is a deeply heartfelt, longing faith; a tear-filled faith; a yearning for better days.

This seems to me to be one of the paradoxes of the Christian life, that in our moments of suffering, lowness and brokenness we are most helpful to those around us, since we are least relying on ourselves, and most relying on Him. Sounds to me very much like the apostle Paul:

"this [experiencing the sentence of death] happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." (2 Cor. 1:9)

Relationally, it seems to ring true that we connect best with others and encourage them more deeply when we ourselves are vulnerable, broken, and "soft". If we confront someone without first truly being vulnerable ourselves, then they will more often simply be defensive and not reminded of the all-sufficiency, kindness and generosity of God.

The parable of a rich young renter

A certain young man found himself financially well-positioned (largely thanks to Centrelink), despite the global economic crisis. Remarkably, in light of the tight rental market, he was granted a rental property ahead of many other enthusiastic renters. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? This is too easy. I can secure for myself practically any property I choose.'

Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will forget about others, concentrate on preparing a 10-year forecast on my rental payments, and then I will never have to worry about the rental market again. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of bathrooms, walk-in-robes and garden space laid up for many years. Take life easy; lie back in your hammock with a cool beer and be merry." '

But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get the so-called secured future which you planned?'

This is how it will be with anyone who yearns for earthly property, but does not long for God's lavish, spacious home of the new Earth.

Knowing, yet not knowing

Heroic playground acrobatics, enthusiastic icecream licking, carefree cuddles on the couch, holding mum's hand as we walk along the path...

Tears fill my eyes and the computer screen blurs. Saturation point is reached and the drops break forth, running down my cheeks and being absorbed into my shirt.

I am crying at pictures of the most beautiful and precious thing in the world to me right now: my children. I do not cry out of sadness directly. The children have not died or fallen ill. No, they are healthy and safe, strong and able. I do not cry because they have been taken away or are about to be taken from me. Though one day this will happen, it is not this I fear right now.

I am crying, I think, over the sadness that it is to not feel the joy that it is to behold them. I intellectually understand the enormous joy that these bubbas are to me, but I do not deeply feel it emotionally. There is but a trickle of joy from my cognitive understanding down into my heart. I know, but I do not really know.

Basically, I wish that I felt greater joy over their existence, their preciousness, their uniqueness, their worth under God. Most of the time, I do not feel this. I take their presence for granted, or, worse, get annoyed by their demands. I long for their beauty and preciousness to come over me and fill me with wondrous joy.

This overwhelming sense of sadness at non-experienced emotion is very confusing. Am I unemotional, or am I highly emotional? I have often thought of myself as not a particularly emotional person, but it is becoming clearer to me that it mightn't be this simple. Indeed, I hope it isn't - I would very much like to experience greater emotional connectedness. Why is it that emotions only hit me at certain times, like late in the evening when the kids are in bed and I have time to pour over photos of them?

I think I am learning that my emotional "highs" are most often experienced as emotional "lows". The most beautiful, deepest, purest emotional experiences for me seem to be found in the moments of greatest sadness, since it is in those moments that things become the clearest and weightiest. This seems to line up with the idea that we learn most about life from our darkest moments.

Self-love & Self-hatred - Part 3 - I need you, just as you need me

What I long for, desire and need is your full acceptance of me. I need you to take me seriously and not to judge me as soon as you’ve gathered a few facts about me. I am more complex than you might expect. There are many layers to me that I long to reveal to you, if you would only let me. When I share with you my problems, I am not looking for quick-fix answers, for advice, for solutions. I want to know that you understand me, or are at least trying to, and that you appreciate and rejoice in my complexity and confusion at that moment. Please do not preach at me! I already know the right thing to do. I’m not turning to you for informational support, but for emotional support. No matter how accurate and clear your heroic persuasion is, forcing beliefs down my throat will only close me down and make me shrivel up.

Please seek to attune yourself to my deeper pains and hidden joys. I long to be invited to communicate the message of my emotional self to you. I need your genuine empathy and sincere tenderness towards me as a vulnerable and fragile human being. I am a whole person, not simply an object towards which you might spurt your advice. I long to consider you a dear friend, not as some know-it-all against whom I must keep up my guard. There are more than enough people in this world who are willing to tell me how to live. Oh, that, in your being, you would communicate the message that spending time on me is worthwhile, that I am valuable and interesting simply because I was created and exist and have essence and being.

I am a gift to you and you are a gift to me in ways that we have only tasted but a fraction. It is not arrogance to say that I am a gift to you, or neediness to say you are a gift to me. Your ideas, suggestions, behaviour, style, motivations, directions, dreams, aspirations, goals – your existence – are to me a precious treasure and unique contribution to my life, no matter how different, “wrong”, distasteful, obnoxious, ugly and unwanted these contributions are. They are valuable – you are valuable – to me because you experience is real and unrepeatable in the history of the universe. We each exist in infinitely and incalculably unique ways.

Self-love & Self-hatred - Part 2 - I want to hide from you because I do not love myself

I feel that I have only just begun to discover what it means to be truly alive, to be truly connected to myself and to others, truly open to the fullness of human experience, bodily emotions and existence in this world in my relationship to others.

I have realised that my problem for many years and even still now has been a deep sense of unhappiness about myself, a doubting about my worth and validity to anyone. I have previously thought I am too selfish, too self-consumed, too greedy, but, frighteningly, far beneath this layer of selfishness, I have discovered that, in fact, I do not love myself enough. I do not feel valuable. I do not believe that you will deem me to be worth investing your time in.

Rather than being at ease with myself and accepting myself in your presence, I fear you and the very real possibility of your rejection and disapproval. I feel that I must do something to gain your approval and acceptance. I do not feel at ease with myself around you. I am on edge and nervous, terrified that I won’t live up to your expectations. I am constantly in debt. I feel I must do something to re-balance the scales, to prove to you that I am deserving of your time and effort. Yet I never feel that the scales are equal. There is a void in me, a doubt, that can never be quite filled up. Though I come close to feeling at ease with you, I never quite arrive, and inequality and distance remain in the relationship.

We spend the rest of our lives trying to escape the pain of failure through various coping mechanisms. Or we try to assume an appearance that will please others and gain us loving acceptance. We give up on being ourselves and try to be someone else, someone who will be worthy of recognition and love.

The Secret of Staying in Love by John Powell, 1974, Tabor Publishing, p. 27

This fear of not getting the acceptance from you that I so deeply feel I need changes my behaviour and manner around you. I cannot relax or ever fully let my guard down. I am cautious about what I say around you, lest my thoughts and feelings displease you. I will not cope well if you disagree with me, reject me or do not affirm me fully.

Self-love & Self-hatred - Part 1 - I long to feel deep emotions

God has been revealing to me the truth that to love others, ultimately I must love myself.

If I really want to love others with the genuineness and emotional intensity modelled by God the Father and by Christ, then I need to have a heart big enough and open enough to experience the worth of others with tremendous intensity. I must be capable of profound sadness and exuberant joy. I need to feel that human life is infinitely precious, that your worth is unimaginable, that experiencing you is a priceless gift. But experiencing you this way is dependent on my experiencing of myself. If I cannot accept and love myself, as part of this gift of human existence, then I will deny the possibility that you will be any of these things to me.

If you are not precious to me, because I am not precious to anyone, I will demean you and dismiss you as unimportant. I will be tempted to deride you and humiliate you and turn you into an opportunity to make me feel better. I will use you. If you are not precious to me, then you can be my tool in blocking out the thought that I might not be worthwhile. I will use the echo of your praise to reassure myself that my fears about my self-worth couldn’t possibly be true. You will help me to silence that deepest part of me which timidly screams out for me to give it love.

A baby is born into this world life a living question searching for answers. Who am I? What am I worth? ... If his parents are unable or unwilling to express affection, if they are cold and matter-of-fact, the infant will in his own way absorb these facts... recorded forever in the human organism of the child... He is recording his own emotional responses of doubt, anxiety and insecurity. They will play back to him for the rest of his life... Most of us were offered “conditional” love. Your worth is not in yourself, but in something else... A child who has been taught his lessons by having love turned on and off eventually concludes that his sole worth and goodness lie in his ability to fulfil the needs wishes of others... One can only fail, and in failure be deprived of love... This, of course, leads to self-hatred, whether consciously admitted or not. And this self-hatred is the beginning of a sad and self-destructive life....

The Secret of Staying in Love by John Powell, 1974, Tabor Publishing, pp. 19-21

Refining trials perfect our precious faith - 1 Peter 1:3-9 - part 2

1 Peter 1:3-9 is a God-ward celebration (v.3) of the God-kept secure (v.4) and overwhelmingly glorious hope (v.8) of the Christian believer.

I think what I find most startling is where it says that suffering (v.6) has been ordained by God as a perfecting, refining tool for the sake of our eternal good (v.7).

In my mind, it is amazing that God would work in our lives through evil to prevent us from living lives as sham Christians! What a challenging, but fresh and liberating way of viewing the suffering in our lives! With each trial, obstacle and frustration, God is shaping us, rebuking us, preparing us for eternal purposes. We were made for another world, not this one. We are "strangers in the world", backpackers momentarily in transit as we await our new home, a permanent country, a city with the firmest of foundations.

This truth about the refining purposes of this like is summed up in others parts of the Bible such as in 2 Corinthians 4:17: "this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison". Here afflictions are purposed by God to prepare or ready us for the glory of life on the New Earth. They serve to alert us to the unsatisfactory and temporary nature of this world, and to direct us to our permanent - yet unseen - heavenly home, where we will be deeply and everlastingly satisfied.

This is the reality of the born again believer who has a new heart, new spirit, new allegiance, new existence into eternity...

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!
In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope...

The blog of my life - 1 Peter 1:3-9 - part 1

My favourite chunk of the Bible is 1 Peter 1:3-9. I memorised this paragraph 8 years ago by writing it verse by verse on TravelTen bus tickets.

Each time I caught the bus and dipped the ticket, I would glance at the verse written there and add it to the string of other verses I had already committed to memory. In this way, it took less than 2 months to memorise the whole chuck of verses 3-9 (approx. 1 ticket/week). I learnt it in the New International Version, a version which I think expresses this passage very nicely.

Basically, I see this passage as a meditation on the great joy that it is to be a believer in Christ. A fitting introduction to this first letter of Peter, these 7 verses present several powerfully reassuring and beautifully poetic angles on the truth of the reality of a hope-of-heaven-lived life. These verses fill out the manifold layers of reasons why we should praise God (v.3).

I would like to spend a few blogs meditating on this passage since it is so dear to my heart. These 7 verses have proven to be a great treasure chest of encouragement to me over these past 8 years. They continue to remind me of the necessity of having a heavenly-minded perspective, a God-ward life, a heart which seeks joy in eternal rewards and crowns of glory rather than simply earthly circumstances.

May I encourage you to join Peter in our great privilege and duty, saying: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!

Is love in marriage not affectionate feeling?

I recently attended a wedding where the following C.S. Lewis quote was printed in large print on first page of the outline:

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.

Emphasising this quote signals to me that commitment and sacrifice in marriage (though essential to marriage) are to be set over and against love as an enjoyable desire or spontaneous feeling. Why is it that these two things - commitment and heartfelt desire - cannot exist alongside each other in a marriage? In my mind, setting these 2 things in contrast to each other creates a misleading, damaging and unbiblical dichotomy.

I believe that marriage is grounded on pleasurable, highly affectionate feelings AND on the wish for your wife or husband's "ultimate good". This is because, in marriage (and other relationships), these two things are one. Or at least we should strive for them to be one.

If husbands are to be Christ-like, according to Ephesians 5, they are to be totally hedonistic! "Christ loved the church... so that he might present the church to himself in splendour... that she might be holy and without blemish." (Eph. 5:25-27, ESV, emphasis added) Did Christ have no affectionate feeling for the church as he died for her? Was her "ultimate good" of no interest to himself? This passage tells us that Christ died to present himself with a beautiful bride. Though at great cost to himself, Christ was seeking the ultimate good of the bride AND his own heart's delight: the joy of a people who forever would praise his name. This is confirmed in passages such as Hebrews 12:2: "for the joy that was set before him [Jesus] endured the cross".

Applying this further, Paul commands husbands to make delighting in their wives as their own bodies the central aim in marriage. This is a husband's challenge in marriage: to so experience and pursue the one flesh reality that his wife's holiness and happiness on the last day would be his delight: "He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church." (Eph. 5:28-29, ESV)

This is the challenge for us husbands: to so have kingdom eyes, fixed on eternal treasures, that seeking your wife's holy beauty would be the most pleasurable experience of your heart! It is the daily fight of faith. It is a lifelong struggle and constant battle against worldliness and fleshly lusts. This is why, I believe, people like C.S. Lewis are right to point out that love is more than a naive, simplistic feeling (since these come and go as quickly as the eyes of our hearts are distracted earth-ward). Love in marriage, however, is not less than such feelings.

Indeed, loving and leading your wife (and others) is hard work. It requires great self-denial, commitment and discipline. We will fail every day (though we should not aim to). This, I believe, is why we need to talk about the ultimate aim and goal and purpose of marriage (and of all human relationships and existence). We need to work at connecting every thing we do now to the impact or fruit it will have in eternity. We need to be like Paul who lived for the reward of seeing his church standing firm in the faith. We need to set our hearts on things above and set our hope fully on the grace to be revealed. We need to desperately plead for God to open the eyes of our hearts to help us know the riches of the inheritance that awaits us! We need to be more heavenly-minded in our relationships, not less.

Therefore, we must nurture our feelings, not dismiss them or ignore them. We are bodily, emotional beings. The vast majority of everyday decisions are made out of our 'gut', not out of prolonged reflection. If we try to straightjacket ourselves into obedience, rather than letting God work on what's in our hearts, it will only lead us to feeling squashed, hurting others, and at some point falling in a heap. Conformity to God's will is an ongoing, often slow, process. Denying who we are as individuals is not the meaning of self denial.

After initially feeling frustrated with this C.S. Lewis quote, I looked it up in context to see what he originally mean by it. Not surprisingly, Lewis did not say this in reference to marriage. Instead, he made this statement in reference to why Christians should support the idea of killing someone in war!! Of course affectionate feelings are not the main part of this type of "love". How often do people take things out of context to suit their own feelings...

I suspect if one reads Lewis on other topics (e.g. 'A Word about Praising' in Reflections on the Psalms), they will find that C.S. Lewis believed that spontaneous affectionate feelings were a healthy, essential part of our relationships - with God, with friends, enemies and even (or especially) with lovers! Please correct me if I'm wrong. I haven't read The Four Loves yet.

Light and darkness, honesty and deceit

I just read 1 John 1-3 this morning and considered the link between living in darkness and living deceitfully.

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:5-7, ESV)

Summary:
a) In God there is no darkness at all.
b) We cannot walk in darkness AND also have true fellowship with Him.
c) Forgiveness is available only to those who walk in the light.

What if we consider one aspect of a life lived in darkness as a life lived deceitfully and a life lived in the light as one lived genuinely?

It would read:
a) In God there is nothing fake at all.
b) We cannot be fake and also have true fellowship with Him.
c) Forgiveness is available only to those who are genuine and honest about themselves.

Consider this quote from the Journal of Biblical Counseling:
In a sense, deceit can be understood as an attempt to divide the inner and outer man artificially. Deceit entails presenting oneself on the outside in a way that veils the intentions of oneself on the inside. The unity of man is a reflection of God in His essential unity. God cannot be divided against Himself, and therefore, cannot lie or be a hypocrite. (Smith, W., 2000, 'Dichotomy or Trichotomy? How the Doctrine of Man Shapes the Treatment of Depression', JBC, Vol. 18, no. 3)

God is genuine, authentic, true, real, honest, light. He does not fear others because He is confident/unashamed of Himself. Rather, He knows His worth and value are exceedingly great.
Many of us, on the other hand, can feel embarrassed, ashamed, fake, and deceitful in our relationships. We desire to hide things about ourselves and present ourselves in a way that receives the approval and appreciation of significant others in our lives. We try to impress, rather than simply be authentic, genuine, broken, weak. We are wounded and unwilling to admit it. As Nouwen wrote:

The main concern then becomes not who I am but who I am considered to be, not what I think, but what others think of me... we find ourselves operating in terms of power, motivated by fear. We are armed to the teeth, carefully following the movements of the other, waiting to hit back at the right moment and in the vulnerable spot... All this leaves us with the suspicion that the reality which we call "love" is nothing other than a blanket to cover the real fact that a man and a woman conquer each other in a long, subtle skirmish of taking movements in which one is always the winner who manipulates the other in the patterns of his or her life.

The only answer deep enough to rescue us from this deceit-filled living, as Nouwen points out, is the truth that we are first loved by God, accepted in spite of our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and enabled to overcome the fear of being hurt and laughed at by others. John says:
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:7, 18-19, ESV)

In Nouwen's word:
What else does this mean besides the redeeming revelation that love is a possibility? Perhaps the best definition of revelation is the uncovering of the truth that it is safe to love... It is safe to embrace in vulnerability because we both find ourselves in loving hands. It is safe to be available because someone has told us that we stand on solid ground... We are not surrounded by darkness but by light... Love then is not a clinging to each other in the fear of an oncoming disaster but an encounter in a freedom that allows for the creation of new life... Jesus who in the exposure of his total vulnerability broke through the chains of death and found his life by losing it. He challenges us to break through the circle of our imprisonment. He challenges us to face our fellow man without fear and to enter with Him in the fellowship of the weak, knowing that it will not bring destruction but creation, new energy, new life, and-in the end-a new world... [Jesus'] exposure of his total vulnerability broke through the chains of death and found his life by losing it. He challenges us to break through the circle of our imprisonment. He challenges us to face our fellow man without fear and to enter with Him in the fellowship of the weak, knowing that it will not bring destruction but creation, new energy, new life, and-in the end-a new world.

These are wonderfully liberating, but challenging, applications of the truth of God's love for sinners.

Self-acceptance, intimacy and the fellowship of the weak

In preparation for a Pastoral Care/Counselling class presentation on intimacy issues in marriage, I have been reading Henri Nouwen's Intimacy, published in 1969 (his first publication).

Nouwen reflects on the experience of some where Christian teaching is felt as an impossible call to be perfect, one that leaves people feeling guilty and wanting to hide and deny our blemishes: "Very often religion has become identified with cleanliness, purity, the perfect life - and every feeling which seems to throw black spots on our white sheet seems to be antireligious". (1969, Harper & Row, San Fransisco, p.14)

He calls his reader to respond not by repressing this awareness of imperfection, but rather to accept it:

"It is very difficult for each of us to believe in Christ's words, "I did not come to call the virtuous, but sinners...." Perhaps no psychologist has stressed the need of self-acceptance as the way to self-realisation so much as Carl Jung. For Jung, self-realisation meant the integration of the shadow. It is the growing ability to allow the dark side of our personality into our awareness and thus prevent a one-sided life in which only that which is presentable to the outside world is considered as a real part of ourselves. To come to an inner unity, totality and wholeness, every part of our self should be accepted and integrated." (p.15)

Nouwen sees this refusal to accept ourselves as we are as stemming from the many ways in which we are not accepted by our parents, peers and society:

"Knowing someone’s past can be the most lethal weapon in human relationships, which can bring about shame, guilt, moral and even physical death... We are judged, evaluated, tested, and graded, diagnosed and classified from the time our parents compared our first walk with a little neighbour’s. Gradually, as time goes on, we realise that our permanent record is building its own life, independent of ours... The main concern then becomes not who I am but who I am considered to be, not what I think, but what others think of me." (pp.25-26)

The solution to the fear of not finding acceptance with others, for Nouwen, is to be so secure in the ultimate relationship with God, whose perfect love casts out such fear (1 John 4:18), that we are enabled to be truthful, available and vulnerable to others in our weaknesses:

"Love first of all is truthful. In the fellowship of the weak the truth creates the unshakable base on which we feel free to move. Truth means primarily the full acceptance of our basic human condition, which says that no man has power over any other man." (p.30)

Nouwen goes on to describe how truthful living, secured and enabled by God's love, expresses itself in the most intimate of human relationships:

"Table and bed are the two places of intimacy where love can manifest itself in weakness. In love men and women take off all the forms of power, embracing each other in total disarmament. The nakedness of their body is only a symbol of total vulnerability and availability. When the physical encounter of men and women in the intimate act of intercourse is not an expression of their total availability to each other, the creative fellowship of the weak is not yet reached." (p.31)

Lastly (for now), Nouwen reflects on Christianity as a whole:

"The core message of Christianity is exactly this message of the possibility of transcending the taking [advantage of others] form of human existence. The main witness of this message is Jesus who in the exposure of his total vulnerability broke through the chains of death and found his life by losing it. He challenges us to break through the circle of our imprisonment. He challenges us to face our fellow man without fear and to enter with Him in the fellowship of the weak, knowing that it will not bring destruction but creation, new energy, new life, and-in the end-a new world." (p.37)

Our wedding vows - 14th August 2004

Having just entered our 5th year of marriage, Emily and I have revisited the promises we have made to each other, and have been reminded of the serious privilege and awesome responsibility it is to be a Christ-representing husband and church-representing wife. As the Book of Common Prayer says, "[marriage] is not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God; duly considering the causes for which Matrimony was ordained."

I Stephen take you Emily to be my wife,
to have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
As your husband, I will love you and lead you as Christ does the church:
I will pursue abounding delight in you,
I will make your holiness and your happiness in God
my highest joy under God,
I will protect you and nourish you as my own body,
I will seek your help as my wife,
as together we seek to bring pleasure and praise to God.
To you I pledge to keep these promises,
until we are parted by death, or until Jesus returns.

I Emily take you Stephen to be my husband,
to have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
As your wife, I will submit to you as the church does to Christ:
I will pursue abounding delight in you,
I will rejoice to promote your usefulness and your happiness in God,
I will respect you and entrust myself to your responsibility
for our relationship,
I will seek and support your leadership as my husband,
as together we seek to bring pleasure and praise to God.
To you I pledge to keep these promises,
until we are parted by death, or until Jesus returns.

A Marriage made in Heaven

This is an extract from my wedding sermon, which I gave at our wedding on the 14th August 2004.

Thank you everyone for coming this morning to be part of our special day! Emily and I are thrilled and honoured that so many of you could come and share the day with us.

Thank you so much for your kindness and generosity to us in so many practical and thoughtful ways. We really have felt honoured and supported as we start our married life together. But please continue to encourage us and support us now that we are married.

I know that relationships aren’t always smooth sailing – especially marriage. I know there will be a lot to learn about each other and a lot to adjust to and grow in as we live as a married couple together.

It is said that marriage is a lot of hard work. And in the society we live in today it seems that marriage has been deemed out-dated and old-fashioned.

That begs the question… What is going to sustain us in our marriage? How do we expect to keep on track? What will give us the reason to love each other, and to be patient and understanding of each other, when sick or tired?

It seems to me that the thing that will sustain us in our marriage is our vision of the marriage that all marriages are meant to point to: that is the marriage of Jesus Christ to His people for all eternity in heaven.

I know that God had in mind, before the creation of the whole world, to unite His Son, Jesus Christ, with His people in complete happiness and for all eternity. And so God created human marriages to reflect this and depict it millions and billions of times over the world – to make a point about the truly happy, glorious wedding feast and party that heaven is going to be.

What Emily and I will be looking to in our marriage, is that true, awesome, perfect marriage – the marriage made in heaven – between Jesus and His people.

It will be our passion for that day – our vision and expectation and longing for that day when those who follow and worship Jesus are gathered to him in perfect glee forever – that will keep us on track in our marriage for the rest of our time on earth.

The Bible talks a lot about how awesome being part of that great wedding day will be. I want to share with you a passage that paints a picture of how amazing that day will be:

Revelation 21:1-11 (ESV)

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death." Then came one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues and spoke to me, saying, "Come, I will show you the Bride, the wife of the Lamb." And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and showed me the holy city Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.

Did you notice what it is this passage is describing?

- A wedding day, the bride is the new city where God’s people are
- The groom at this wedding is the Lamb: Jesus Christ
- When the world ends, God will make a new place for His people to live
- The Bride will be beautiful and glorious
- Only those who belong to Jesus will enter the city

Jesus’ great joy was to present to himself a glorious and precious gathering of people. This city of God’s people is beautiful. What a wonderful task he had to rescue us from our folly. To make millions and millions of people holy and happy. But it cost him his life. The Bible says that:

“Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might make her holy, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour.”

What excites me most about my marriage to Emily is this – to be there with her on that last day. I look forward to entering the new city of God’s rescued people, gloriously changed and washed clean from our dirty ways, and to share the jubilation of being one of the many, many people who have lived their lives for Jesus.

What sustained Jesus as he received the lashings, as he was humiliated and beaten and as he was nailed to the cross to hang up in the air to suffocate to death – was his joy in pleasing His Father in heaven and rescuing for himself followers from all nations on earth – to present to himself a church without any stain or any other blemish – people gathering around his throne, joyfully praising and worshipping him.

For me, as the husband, my joy will be seeing Emily there, part of that church – that great party in heaven. I have the awesome responsibility of keeping my promise to love her and give my life up for her – to take care of her and responsibility for her as my own body – just as Jesus did for his people. What a task! But what a joy! What a privilege it is that I have.

Emily and I are both so excited about life together – sharing a new house, starting a new family, and so on. But we’re even more excited about the ongoing party it’s going to be with Jesus and everyone else who follows him.

I know the food today at the reception is going to be awesome – the caterers will have supplied I’m sure a gastronomic delight. But I know that heaven is going to be an everlasting banquet feast and celebration. If anyone could make a party great, it would be the man Jesus Christ. See, it is Jesus who created the whole expanse of galaxies and planets and stars at the flick of his little finger. And if Jesus could turn water into 1st class Cordon-Bleu Bordeaux wine with one command, then I know he can really make eternity wonderful beyond imagination! I’m looking forward to him being the life of the party!

Emily and I want to invite you to be there at that great feast, the party that heaven is going to be. We’re so thrilled that you’re here today and you’ve accepted our invitation to share this wonderful day with us – but we’ll be so much more thrilled to see you there on that great marriage day in heaven.

I know many people here are looking forward to the feast of heaven, but if you haven’t yet already, then please join the party!

A brother broken by his Godless affections

I just got off the phone to a broken and humbly self-aware brother. As he poured out his laments and cries to me, I was filled with a sense of the reality of God and how far short we constantly measure up in our Christian lives. Let me share some of his thoughts:

The Christian church must focus on two things: 1) Our afflictions and suffering, and 2) God's glory.... from now on, no more trivial conversations... no more talking about meaningless stuff... we're playing games... we live in the best country... we are filled to the brim with head knowledge... our heads are big because we think we know stuff but our hearts are empty... Love God and love his people.... I will... I will deny myself... I will delight in God, when I have so much to rejoice in... I have treated girls like dirt. I have not treated them as the daughters of God, created in His image. They have been my idols. My attention has been on worldly things... not on heavenly things... My life is a joke...

Plus some passages to contemplate:

Even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. - Philippians 2:17-18

I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. - Colossians 1:24-27

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. - 2 Corinthians 4:10-11

Power to flee porn in the Psalms

Turning on the computer is a dangerous activity! With incredible download speeds and sexually explicit material everywhere, checking email or reading a blog risks an easy plunge into the passions of destructive lust.

Where do these images and videos come from? Who is responsible for their pervasive presence? They are set up by men who want to enslave others for financial gain and to justify their own enslavement to such lusts.

Having just read Psalm 140, an application point that came to mind applies to the fight against porn and the fact that we need rescuing from such people whenever we go online:

v1-2 Rescue me, LORD, from evil men. Keep me safe from violent men who plan evil in their hearts.
v4 Protect me, LORD, from the clutches of the wicked. Keep me safe from violent men who plan to make me stumble.

These lustful enslaved enslavers aim to make other men stumble and become addicted to pornography. It is the pleasure of their hearts and the means to their financial prosperity.

While we long and pray that God will not "let them achieve their goals" (v.8), we can look to God who "upholds the just cause of the poor [and] justice for the needy." God stands against the evils of the porn industry. We also ought to stand against it, knowing that, ultimately, God will bring it to nothing and punish those who love evil.

Next, over the page, we could read Psalm 142 as the cry of someone longing for God's protection and power to be resuced (from those who want to make you enslaved to lust):

I cry aloud to the LORD; I plead aloud to the LORD for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before Him; I reveal my trouble to Him.
Although my spirit is weak within me, You know my way.
Along this path I travel they have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see: no one stands up for me; there is no refuge for me; no one cares about me.
I cry to You, LORD; I say, "You are my shelter, my portion in the land of the living."
Listen to my cry, for I am very weak.
Rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.
Free me from prison so that I can praise Your name.
The righteous will gather around me because You deal generously with me.

May God be pleased to rescue the weak who are emprisoned by the powerful clutches of pornography, so that they can praise his name again!

Lastly, Psalm 51 recounts David's contrition and confidence in God after giving in to the lust of the eyes leading to adultery and murder. As pointed out by John Piper in a recent sermon, it is interesting to note what it is that David looks to as his solution for such lusts. It is not simply to have greater accountability with others or controls set up on his computer. Deeper than all this, David knows that the greatest power and protection against sin of any kind is an experience of pleasure in God which outdoes the experience of pleasure in porn: Restore the joy of Your salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit. (v.12)

Indeed, let us seek God in the fight against porn like David did!

Restore to us, O God, a surpassing satisfaction and contentment in your goodness and riches of glory and your promises to work in all things for our disciplined good and ultimate joy!

Empathic dysfunction and 1 Corinthians 13

Have you ever wondered why some people are amazingly - sometimes overwhelmingly - attuned to others' emotions, while others seem untouched by the sadness and despair surrounding them? Is such a contrast normal and healthy? How much empathy is enough, and is there such a thing as too much?

Recently reflection on 1 Corinthians 13 has made me consider the importance of empathy, since Paul's understanding of love implies a deep, heartfelt concern for others and the truth about God. It involves much more than simply rehearsing philanthropic actions: "If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing... [Love] rejoices with the truth" (v3,6 - NIV). So I ask myself: If empathy is crucial for genuine love, then how does the Holy Spirit work in those whose psychological composition means they can't empathise?

Those with autism, schizophrenia and other personality disorders in which empathy is lacking would at times find the type of love described in 1 Corinthians 13 deeply challenging. A failure to empathise with others will mean not only socially discourteous behaviour, but an inability to recognise and meet the needs of others in their moment-by-moment experience of life's ups and downs.

I don't believe that redefining love as an emotionless benevolence is a Biblically valid option even in these cases. I believe that God is perfectly just, as well as gracious. He will demand of us according to what he has given (Luke 12:48, Matt 25:29). It would seemingly follow that those with psychological impairment and emotional scars God will not require emotional engagement to the same degree. But we cannot presume on God's graciousness.

Christians are called to a life of love. Enabled by the security of our riches in heaven, we are called into a life of empathetic loving sacrifice. "Freely you have received, freely give" (Matt 10:8). Yet, even as we struggle now with half-hearted empathy for others, let us remember that in the new world our resurrection bodies will be perfected in every way, so that we will heartily rejoice in the glorious truth about God to which we will be truly attuned!

Nouwen's humbling example of heavenly-minded joy

Henri Nouwen dedicated the last decade of his life to a community of seriously disabled people, where he spent hours a day washing, feeding and caring for them. Despite Nouwen's prolific writing career and popularity, only in this period did Nouwen sense that he had truly found contentment in the love of God.

Nouwen's life in these years is a wonderful model of heavenly reward-seeking, since doing your works of righteousness before those who can neither acknowledge nor repay you means that you must truly rely on a God who gives the reward of everlasting joy in others (1 Thess 2:19-20) as a fruit of ministry in this life.

Nouwen saw his relationship of "selfless" love for Adam [a young retarded man] as a true blessing in his life, as well, no doubt, as a glory and joy in the age to come. As Nouwen said: "I am not giving up anything. It is I, not Adam, who gets the main benefit from our friendship."

Philip Yancey's article recounts this extremely moving and humbling story.